que sera sera

was on the bus back today, after running my errands - when i saw this maid pushing a man in a wheelchair across the traffic light at bishan cc.
it evoked memories of when grandpa was still alive , and in those last few years the wheelchair was the only way for him to get around.
the paper today also talked about Dr Goh's wife, and how she was everything to him in his final years.

reminded me that its been 10 years since God took grandpa home, n how time has not eased the hurt n regret.i think of how hard it must have been for grandma to look after him all by herself when they moved back to amk, n i really admire her strength n perseverance.
;
the images of grandpa in his younger, fitter days are fresh in my mind:
its sad that alot of the truth i learnt about him, was only after his death.
that as a kid i didnt have the chance - or didnt invest the time to ask.

we changed our bowls this wk- n i remember that one time when he dropped a bowl bcos i almost ran into him while coming into/out of the kitchen.
and how he would climb up the stairs slowly, in that uncertain gait.
his thick plastic specs that we used to play dress up with.

the butter sugar toast that grandma used to prepare for him in the metal plate.
and his kopi 'o' - same day in day out.
the tweezers that he would pull his white hair out with.

i remember most fondly the weekly trips to all the playgrounds in toa payoh - followed by the mac's dinner treats - happy meals.

how he was a little on the heavy side when we were so much younger, b4 he started getting ill.
thinking back on how thin he was in the later years, how much muscle he had lost on his calves.

i remember him teaching me how to piroutte - and that was the point where i started wanting to learn how to dance.
n how he taught us to sing 'que sera sera' and 'you are my sunshine'

i regret ...
not taking the time that afternoon to talk to him more, whether he was lucid or not.
not ever asking him more about what he dreamt when he told grandma about me being engaged not having the courage to be the one giving the eulogy. n not fulfilling my duty as the only grandaughter
not having the chance to say goodbye

there are certain things for which u can never turn the clock back...

i've thought about what i want to do for grandma before age takes its toll on her ability to walk.
mummy wanted to bring her back to see fujian - maybe can plan for next yr.
i wish i could bring her to see the world more - but her legs are not as healthy as they used to be, and she tires so much more easily.

sometimes i get so scared of losing her n not having the ability to tell her how much i really love her that one last time. there are nights / mornings when she's not up yet, n il go stand in her doorway jus to check if she's still breathing.
we'll meet again someday in heaven, but having to say goodbye on earth is really hard.
i really do hope that God will grant her many more years so we can serve her tea at our wedding, and she'll get to see her great grandchildren.
n when the time does come to say goodbye - i want to be able to do my last duty as a grandaughter and give her a eulogy fitting of the great Godly woman that she is.
for now the least i can do is to tell her i love her as often as i can - n make things however small easier for her.

there times in ur life where u just wish u had that special someone by ur side to just be there, even in silence.today was one of those days where all i needed was to be held n cry it out.
its an awful feeling to be alone..