'prodigal' is misunderstood

had a nice dinner with sin hui n cheryl last night. n a nice time visiting the night festival.
fell aslp close to 1, so wasnt too unexpected when i overslept.
must have been the nice weather cos jinx dennis vania also overslept!

went to do 2x mandai alone. quite boring and too slow,but was nice to get the legs up and turning.

i highly recommend listening to rev wee's sermon today. am quite glad i didnt decide to go to brmc today instead.=)

on a side note..i was thinking of a rather interesting analogy- that relationships are like stocks.

rest

it rained this morning.
no wait. rain was an understatement.
it was a thunderstorm that poured cats dogs and elephants.

the upside ? i got to sleep till 10.blissful rest.

the downside of course was that morning run was cancelled.
so im stuck doing a 3k swim n a long run on my own this afternoon.

boohoo.meeting sinhui,cheryl n mabel tonight so looking forward to that.

hopefully the rain stays away tomw morning so we can ride long n consistent as planned.
havent touch bike in 1 wk! sigh must be more consistent with wkly rides.but lately have been too tired to make it out at 5am.
n no the trainer is no fun at all

wet weekend

rain rain go away come again another day...

yesterday's run ended up being only me n kenneth.cos lionel didnt wake up n jb was on reservice.
weather was cool cos of the rain the night before n the ominous clouds.
did the full route, though was alil slower n not as hard as past wks.

managed to get my errands done by lunch=) yay my new card coming soon.
went shopping (n walked too much) wif mummy in the afternoon.
was super tired by 9pm, didnt last long enough to see either the prologue or end of the germ-arg game.

was royally pissed off by a msg i got. to the sender - am disgusted !
maybe its jus the pms, but as an athlete- the 2nd sentence was totally distasteful.
perhaps im reading it wrongly, but it would have sufficed to inform that the prologue was on, whatever followed was what i intepreted to be an insult to the beautiful game.
u've just pissed off one of the last few dinos who have no issues with u.
well forgive n forget- but my respect for u has jus dropped a few notches.(not that it wasnt already v low)

this mornings ride was rather lazy.. lester was testing his new wheels =) haha but yes it was wet n no fun. too short (50k) so i came back to do a 15 min brick.
made it to church on time - paid extra $2 to the cabby cos he shortchanged me. see it as extra charge for my lack of small change (igave him a $50).
came home to nap after exchanging books with ur very persistent brother. yawn was a nice 2 hr nap. swam later so feel much better now.

can u pls call ur grandparents! i feel so bad tt u call me n then u nv call them. she dan xin ni !

bon nuit mon amour. je taime

i.am.scared.of.heights

my wkend started at 620am tdae, as i had to be out of the house by 1030.
grateful to the guys for agreeing to run 30mins earlier!

took a different route today as suggested by uncle jb. so instead of heading left to the ranger station, we explored 'la ruta de montana' tt heads to pierce.
the last time i ran this was when i was coaching my bro's batch of the ac x team.
doing the hills was a not so pleasant reminder of the fact that im not that young anymore!
so its been a long time since any of us did the route, and some things have changed.

#lesson 1: never trust jb when he suggests a new route.
jb, tu 'esquina' es muy larga!'
always check when he's last run the route. u a) either holan, b) end up having extra adventures on ur morning run

#lesson 2: i am afraid of heights.
the next time lionel, jb or kenneth ask me if im ok with something - i will not be so gungho to try.
it was embarassing n frightening at the same time.
cant say what happened here beebs..check ur email!
uber paiseh la.

so after our little adventure getting to the toilet at pierce reservoir; we did the long n uphill run back out to casuarina. was really happy to turn off n go home while the guys accompanied kenneth back to mac.

managed to finish stretching n planks n showered by 1015. ate tau sa zhang, yoghurt n mango cheesecake with starbucks coffee for breakfast =)
left house a lil later than desired at 1040, thought i would be late given the scarcity of buses heading to bishan..(really terrible how they come so infrequently on wkends).
got to cathay just in time for the trailers.
caught the expendables one...its really good and packed solid with all the big names!
u have to watch it; tho as lionel says its a movie u should watch wif guys.

knight and day was not too bad, i'd give it 7/10. abit predictable after awhile.
few hilarious moments. cruise n diaz are pretty gd.

had lunch at pomo jap fdcourt wif my colleagues , n teh bing after =)
was nice company on a sat aftn.
decided to pop by the lib on the way home to pick up some reading.
allowed myself 1 trashy novel out of the cycling books + yell for cadel tt i picked up (which is kinda disappointing btw)

#lesson 3: reading about infidelity is a waste of brain space.
am totally serious. any of the trashy novels about unsuccessful relationships would have been alot better than this. heck, i should have re-read paullina simons novels.

so the wrong choice was a book called lost hearts in italy.
the protagonists are a expatriate middle class american couple in their mid 20s, harvard grads.
what makes their relationship unique is that she's black and he's white; this is set in 80s/90s/2000s.
so the story really begins when he gets posted to roma and she gets flown out to him on first class. an italian (twice her age) is the only other passenger in first class, and he happens to be (i assume owner of PEZ) a very rich man.
so he's attracted to this bella who has a very nice behind?!!? and asks for her number which she naively gives.

she n her husband are madly in love, but she happens to meet this italian whenever he calls her in italy, tho with her husbands full knowledge. he wines and dines her , and the first cracks start when he takes her to his private yacht. nothing happens , and they dont see each other again for a while.
in the interim, she and her husband have a girl.
ffwd two yrs later, when the italiano dude calls her again, and this time, she meets him n start their rendezvous.
things cool btw her husband n her, and eventually she confesses, he kicks her out, they divorce.
he gets posted back to london (ibanker), she stays in italy with their daughter.

she gets pregnant with the italiano dude's kid (wow. surprise.did she have an abortion? dunno n cant be botherd). anyhow, they both remarry n have kids wif their respective spouses. n mr-italiano still calls her occasionally. but they don't see each other anymore. (or so i gather)

so the story is told in retrospect in 3rd person. alternating betw female, male protagonist n mr italiano (baddie!) while the story is set in italy, where it seems to be that extra-marital relationships are the norm and not exception, the author seems to allude to the broader globalised world.

she's at fault. but so is mr-italiano for pursuing a married woman. then again. he divorced his first wife (n made italian history when divorces were first made legal in catholic italy) ,fathered a son through an illegitimate union, and continued to have casual relationships with other women when he was seeing this bella too.

it reminded me of the article last wk on how divorce rates are rising; and more women are initiating divorce. its just very sad how the institution of marriage has become cheapened.
i was jus very disturbed after reading it, should have picked up something else for brainless reading. this provoked even more thought then necessary!

=(

missing u

all i need right now is just to be able to hug u.

painful wkend

this weekend was extremely painful.
it started out with intermittent 6 hr slp, being attacked by the killer mosquitoes.

then it was a painful 2hr run with lionel n kenneth at macritchie.
weather was nice, not too hot but rather humid.
my poor knees =(

managed to get swimsuits from tyr at $20 each =) total damage for sat was $66 - including 2 pairs of earrings + gift for colleague.

popped into queensway for some tutu kueh. honey no nice liao. it was warm but not freshly made =(

came home for a swim n then took my parents to margaret drive for dinner.
parallel parking !!! my gosh...haha..thankfully there was ample space in front of the furniture/seafood place- but still.. went head in n was still too far from kerb.
sigh. practice !

had the chicken chop - lil disappointing. daddy had the hor fun n mummy had the nice charkwayteow.
sugar cane was BIG disappointment.
anyways - they will only be moving next year. so we still got time to go back n try more stuff!

our $1.50 cappucino =) not too bad for the price.

this morning's ride was PAINFUL.
ive never seen my speedo average stay above 30 ever.
they stared whacking almost immediately at mandai - according to jinx it wasnt tt bad yet.
lim chu kang was ok cept that i got dropped towards the end n almost got chased by a dog jus b4 the exit. thankfully he was all bark.

wind was strong today but managed to stick with them for quite a bit.
pit stop at shell was well deserved n needed rest.
pace was nice until they hit west coast - then no holds barred =(
was trying very hard to stick with pravin but the wind was strong + my legs jus wouldn cooperate.
hav not hurt so much since rfth !

somehow made it up n down faber. satisfied with the loong n hot ride (got a tan=( !) n glad i decided to sleep the extra 1hr instead of an extra mandai loop. wouldn hav made it home otherwise !

miss u loads pumpkin

to love, honor and OBEY

its funny how 'obey' has become such a word of contention, so much so that people actually take it out of their wedding vows.

here's an interesting take on what the vows mean in everyday life.
http://beyondjane.com/family/marriage/the-secret-gift-of-your-wedding-vows/

i learnt rather unpleasantly last night - the consequences of not obeying the one u've promised to love, honor and obey all the days of your life on earth together, even if u've not made that vow yet!

i really hate arguing/fighting with u when ur a million miles away.
the silence is the hardest part.
of not knowing when i'll get to hear ur voice again, or see ur smile.

im sorry for being stubborn , n for saying u had no right to insist on me resting
i know ur just being concerned for my health, for now and for longterm.
i hope by the time u read this, u can find room to forgive me.

it was nice to have dinner with ur family again today. havent seen hailey for so many wks n she's jus growing up so quickly. still cute as ever, but getting naughtier.

i miss u beebs. so very much.

Honor your father and mother

Ephesians 6:1

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" - which is the first commandment with a promise - "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth.Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

we covered this in cell some time ago. It just never really occured to me that i might need to draw strength from it today.

its really not easy to do when ur parents really frustrate u. n they are in the wrong too.

baby. i really needed u today.

to run to for a listening ear to pour out my fan nao

n jus noe that i can be held.

i miss u

que sera sera

was on the bus back today, after running my errands - when i saw this maid pushing a man in a wheelchair across the traffic light at bishan cc.
it evoked memories of when grandpa was still alive , and in those last few years the wheelchair was the only way for him to get around.
the paper today also talked about Dr Goh's wife, and how she was everything to him in his final years.

reminded me that its been 10 years since God took grandpa home, n how time has not eased the hurt n regret.i think of how hard it must have been for grandma to look after him all by herself when they moved back to amk, n i really admire her strength n perseverance.
;
the images of grandpa in his younger, fitter days are fresh in my mind:
its sad that alot of the truth i learnt about him, was only after his death.
that as a kid i didnt have the chance - or didnt invest the time to ask.

we changed our bowls this wk- n i remember that one time when he dropped a bowl bcos i almost ran into him while coming into/out of the kitchen.
and how he would climb up the stairs slowly, in that uncertain gait.
his thick plastic specs that we used to play dress up with.

the butter sugar toast that grandma used to prepare for him in the metal plate.
and his kopi 'o' - same day in day out.
the tweezers that he would pull his white hair out with.

i remember most fondly the weekly trips to all the playgrounds in toa payoh - followed by the mac's dinner treats - happy meals.

how he was a little on the heavy side when we were so much younger, b4 he started getting ill.
thinking back on how thin he was in the later years, how much muscle he had lost on his calves.

i remember him teaching me how to piroutte - and that was the point where i started wanting to learn how to dance.
n how he taught us to sing 'que sera sera' and 'you are my sunshine'

i regret ...
not taking the time that afternoon to talk to him more, whether he was lucid or not.
not ever asking him more about what he dreamt when he told grandma about me being engaged not having the courage to be the one giving the eulogy. n not fulfilling my duty as the only grandaughter
not having the chance to say goodbye

there are certain things for which u can never turn the clock back...

i've thought about what i want to do for grandma before age takes its toll on her ability to walk.
mummy wanted to bring her back to see fujian - maybe can plan for next yr.
i wish i could bring her to see the world more - but her legs are not as healthy as they used to be, and she tires so much more easily.

sometimes i get so scared of losing her n not having the ability to tell her how much i really love her that one last time. there are nights / mornings when she's not up yet, n il go stand in her doorway jus to check if she's still breathing.
we'll meet again someday in heaven, but having to say goodbye on earth is really hard.
i really do hope that God will grant her many more years so we can serve her tea at our wedding, and she'll get to see her great grandchildren.
n when the time does come to say goodbye - i want to be able to do my last duty as a grandaughter and give her a eulogy fitting of the great Godly woman that she is.
for now the least i can do is to tell her i love her as often as i can - n make things however small easier for her.

there times in ur life where u just wish u had that special someone by ur side to just be there, even in silence.today was one of those days where all i needed was to be held n cry it out.
its an awful feeling to be alone..

lo siento

for the words that i've said in anger
that cut u down when i should have been building u up
im sorry

for keeping u at a distance
and not cared enough when i should
im sorry

for the times i've disobeyed you
and taken u for granted
im sorry

for putting my needs above yours
and not putting u first
im sorry

te amor.

sabado

didnt make it out of bed to ride this morning.not at 5,7 or 9.

it started to rain at about 130, got woken up by the urge to pee.then there was thunder & lightning. had some trouble getting back to bed. and then the pesky mosquito came to draw blood =(

the ache (from thurs' training) hit me hard at about 6+ when my body clock asked me if i was keen to get out of bed.NOT.

so didnt get to run this morning(that's 3 wks in a row)stop making excuses! ok today i really didnt feel like getting my clean shoes muddy due to the rain. which i know it would have.

ended up doing a 3k swim again.but did 300m of intervals which felt good.
am going to run later this evening to move the legs. n do a mandai loop tomw b4 7 to make up the mileage for this wk.

feel like doing some reading but the paper is soo thick. have wks of reading to catch up on.

nd to go through my barca stuff to find useful material for angie n ash.

still have not gone to the tailor's..hmmm its such a lazy day.

t-I-ra-MIS-U

was supposed to ride with yims,eug,vania n jinx this morning.
woke up at 4 somehow n then at 5 again.
so by the time 615 came around i was deep in a really odd dream with mel fam, vincent n an overall mix of unrelated ppl.
slept through yims,and jinx's msgs - n only replied vania at 645 when i finally stumbled out of the weirdness.

sorry eugene ! i slept through ur msg haha. i tot yims not riding = u not coming either.

so i gave myself another 2 hours of rest (arent U proud of me?)
n finally went to swim at 9++.
another wk of not going to mac to do the northern route. no more excuses next wk.

it is SUPER HOT.unbearably humid.
cant even focus on reading the papers.

maybe next yr il do the CFA.sounds like a good idea.

saw a nice comfy pair of adidas flats last night.60-70.not formal enough but it feels SO good to my feet.hmm.must consider carefully.

there's another coffee place worth checking out.
black @ 311 somerset or raffles place.

cansado

se han muy cansado por pasado dia...

find myself dozing off in the mid afternoon. really bone weary kind of feeling.
need to watch the training load...so easy to jus do double session cos the morning session doesnt feel enough.

feel a lil slimmer on the legs so a lil happy bout that =) shall not look at the weighing scale ...
after changing tube it felt alot better climbing - easier on the legs ...
climbed off saddle for a lil bit today - need to get the rhythm right but it was nice.
silly mr tan made me wait 30 mins for him..he took a freaking 1 hr to get ready. called him at 645 before i went to longhouse n i was still waiting at the foot of his hill at 745...

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

God, pls strengthen me for the week ahead and give me the wisdom to undertake all the challenges you have set for me. Amen =)

Weddings...

have a total of 7 weddings ( at last count) to attend this year.
attended wedding #1 today at PLMC - Gladdy's and Kenny's =)

they played a very nice song by Steven Curtis Chapman; see below!

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here.

spring.

so its now april , 1/4 of the year gone by, and what really have i achieved?

am very thankful that i have great colleagues , a very challenging role, and an ever expanding scope.

my goals for the year ahead , albeit late than never:
1. to finish APAC 70.3
and to do that,
a. swim 1.5k under 30mins and not get caught in the washing machine n panic
b.run a sub 10min 2.4km - really really painful at this point.
c.bike 90km in 3h -comfortably
d.climb faber without freaking out

2.Master my portfolio and take it over completely -

what is life without wants ? not that i really NEED it at this moment , but its what keeps me going and looking forward to each new day.
1. a picnic at marina barrage when the weather is my 'perfect' evening pre-sunset weather, not too hot nor the air too still
2. to slowdance , barefoot in the sand by the moonlight with u
3.to get away, out of singapore, and have nothing to do with the bike.

if only.

I am Yours!

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Thank you Jiwen for sharing the wonderful video on Who Am I by Casting Crowns.
A nice take on my favorite song right now.

Its nice to be spending Chinese New Year at home, after missing it last year.
Reunion dinner this year was at Bt Merah with daddy's family - a change from the usual simple dinner at home.
Went to St George's this morning so i wouldnt have to travel so far to go Ah Ma's place after.
Came home to nap around 330 - my reverse parking when i got home was simply atrocious.
Aunty Rachel came at about 5..was happily napping so was a bit stoned when they came.

Parents went to our neighbours usual CNY open house, n surprise surprise -- Derrick is dating Grace Ong - my old friend from MG. was nice to catch up with her and Rubin again. small world.

rode this morning with david - jus the usual morning route cos we left the house late at 615.
n along mandai this joyrider comes along in front of me...tries to take out his bottle n then he drops it..along with the bottle cage?
anyway we turn left at mandai shell, n he comes alongside me n asks what route we're doing n if he can follow us. then he tries to make conversation.david was highly amused.....
this guy is 19/20 ? great... 2nd time in the wkend tt some1 has tried to hit on me..flattering but er..first older (much) guy..then younger...what does that imply ?

was kinda bored this evening...wish u were here n we could go out n jus spend some time enjoying each other's company.
i swam at around 6+ .it was a hot afternoon, but hot afternoons give u beautiful sunsets. the sky was a canvas of watercolour blue.the blending of the colours as the day faded into night was so subtle, yet the contrast was just breathtaking. awed by His wonderful creation!

have a picture in my mind of my dream wedding dinner location/scene + dress =) but i dont think such a place exists in singapore unfortunately. at least i havent been there haha.

thankful for His generous blessings this wk.but praying for His guidance to lead in this decision making !

am looking forward to the coming sunday - a reunion of barcelona friends =)

its almost 1am.sleepy now.buenas noches !

Blessed

my christmas tree has started to attract some pretty brown birds - not the typical sparrows, not sure what they are . but its nice to see them come n rest on the big branches.

its the start of a new wk. a long day tomorrow.
but before i forget, must give thanks for all that He's provided this week.
I prayed that He'd give me strength to go through the week, & He gave in abundance but so much more !

interview tmw am at 9. getting up at 5 to ride.so should go koon soon !
sent in an application yesterday for a position i really do want with EMA - sounds interesting , but God decides if the door should open.
got a referral from the lady at mcys that's trying to get mel to take up the job.
hopefully will get to speak with her soon.
at first the folks at stb (thank you so much Chin !) said im not eligible for the programme anymore, but tdae they said they'll consider me for the next round in May/june - if im still keen by then.

Lord, I commit all these to u.
For You have said in Matthew 6:25-27

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Gracias por todos

Give thanks for all things that God has blessed you with. truly, that we are alive to greet each new day, give thanks.

Jus finished watching a documentary on okto about primordial dwarfism.
go google it
or take a look at this newsclip i got off youtube- not the same people but the condition is the same
there are over 200 kinds of dwarfism , & primordial dwarfism alone has 6 diff types ?

how would u feel as a parent if ur doctors told u that ur unborn child wouldnt grow more than 28 inches? or that he/she would have bones so thin that they may break, severe scoliosis, and a host of other health problems.

watching how these parents / families cope with their child's uniqe needs- really inspirational how they still live a fulfilling life.

Gracias a Dios

it has been a really bad week, but am really thankful that God was there to strengthen and get me through it.
without Him, i don't know if i'd have made it to Sunday in 1 piece.
am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted - but am refreshed by His spiritual feeding =)

joined the SMURTs at SSU Sports Awards Night at butter factory on Thurs night - was just interesting to see butter for the first time ! haha. there was some controversy over the nominations & e eventual winners, but that's another story altogether.
pls ignore the fb pic - there's nothing really, the guys just making fun of freddy...he's a really nice & harmless guy k?

had dinner with Sherlynn, Mabel & Sin Hui at Buckaroos on Sat night. Level 3 no kick for Sherlynn. i tried Level 2 but passed on the Level 3.
it was nice to unwind after a long week with the gals =) tho the taxi ride was super long.

had a nice long (too long) chat with Mel last night . it's nice to know that you're not alone in this difficult phase of life & that others do understand how emotionally and mentally challenging and frustrating the job searching phase can be. not that U don't understand it, but until you go through the process, its hard to fully empathize with us.

its the weight of expectations that u carry, leaving u tied down rather than free to really go out there & pursue what u think u want.
it may not seem like much, but it is very pressurizing when everytime u meet someone, they'll ask u "so when are u getting married". especially when ur feeling that u haven't achieved anything in life after graduating - like i've wasted the last 5 yrs of my life when i could have chosen another field to study etc. & when so many of ur peers are getting married or engaged & moving on to their next phase of life. - its nice to know that im not the only one feeling like that =p

hoping to celebrate Kwa's bday this year despite the packed new yr schedule- its been a good number of years that we actually celebrated our birthdays together - now that Mel's back for good, hopefully we can do that for all our birthdays n meet up more regularly as well.
its comforting to know that God's kept our friendship alive all these years, and strengthened it too. a girl's jie meis are really her most valuable asset and blessing!

today's ride was tough with the winds and it got really hot after 9.
am feeling alot stronger on the bike and more confident of pushing the speeds now.
just that the speedo is alil annoying - 10kph for the whole stretch of mandai..bu shi ba!
went on the drops on LCK, was nice n felt really comfy !

went for Vania's 21st at this really cool coffee place - Papa Palheta
will bring U there when ur back.
alil hard to find - but worth the trouble. Thank you angie for picking me though we made a big u turn to get there, & thank you lester for sending me home =) u guys rock!

its still kinda funny to see jinx n dennis 'attached' haha...takes some getting used to. but am very happy for them both.
will be having tim sum tea with them (xh, lester, ben, etc) tomw at Chinatown - hope its not the Yan palace again tho !

got 1 big container of pineapple tarts mummy reserved for u in my fridge- ill keep them here in case i bring over to ur place n someone eats them.U know who haha.
Lester sends his regards, so do the other RFTH peeps=)

yawns=p time to turn in.
buenas noches mi amor
bon nuit !

Dios sabe su necesidad

Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you NEED
Matthew 6:33

have been making an effort to do QT everyday, and it is a great source of strength and comfort to read His words.

He really does provide for your needs when you call out to Him.
last night i had a long conversation with Mel, and while i wasn't intending to call her - she called to ask how i was. & we ended up talking about alot of things, and she provided much need comfort and encouragement.
it was very nice to be reassured that my nearest n dearest girlfriends are here to lean on, and that im not alone in this very difficult phase of life.
Thank you Lord for the blessing of these friends.

God knows , and He makes everything beautiful in His time.:)
http://www.ourdailyjourney.org/2010/02/01/the-right-time/

in some serious need of TLC

no, not tender loving care. in need of Tim Lim's cuddle(s).

its been a really long week but i thank God that He's carried me through it.
i am really emotionally tired and im sorry it had to come out the wrong way.

had dinner last night wk Fiona & Sarah Khiu at this french crepe place in prinsep st. a lil pricey, but quite nice * authentic french crepes. complete with french chef, and mauritian french speaking waitress=p. made for an interesting evening.

my day was okae. i got up on time although i felt like i didn't sleep at all, cos i kept waking up at 5 intermittently - was probably thirsty and when i finally fell asleep it was already close to 6, & the dreaded alarm rang soon after.

reached longhouse shortly after 7.didnt leave til 730.
tday's ride felt good - i managed to follow most of mandai til i got caught at the traffic light so it was a lil harder = but managed to push myself a lot faster today, n followed closer than i usually do.
climbed NUS too, pero in small chain ring heh.

brake pads arent very clean- so brakes still squeaky, n i dont have very good rear braking power which is a lil scary on the downslopes:p

got home at 10am as parents were leaving for church.took a lil longer stretching n doing core - cos i read the paper too! so didnt manage to leave the house til 1050. oops !
reached bishan at 1110, got to serangoon at 1120 - so reached church at about 1130!
n i was jus telling vania that we could actually make it in time for youth!

vania was still later than me- she was reading the papers too!
well made it in time for about 3 worship songs . tday's sermon was by Rev Chin, his first sermon at PL. He ended it with a very moving testimony by this lady - on how God healed her daughter 100%.

had lunch at the corner coffeeshop next to the interchange- the fishball noodles stall?
she had prawn mee, i took the teo chew mui.very oily!
went to have tau hway opp macs after. then jinx joined us as we were finishing. headed to the interchange to catch 315/317, n they went off together.*ahem*
msged angie after to clarify what i thought i knew - only to find out that ...im like 1 month behind everyone else la....thanks jinx- how can u NOT tell me & deny when i ask somemore.wah lau, some friend u are .
but yes. its nice to know that my gut intuition wasnt wrong.
the glow of the early part of the relationshpi, the teasing and the small-think-no-one's-looking-gestures...
well that aside - i think you two make a great pair =) and im very happy for both of u !

caught 315 to gardens, picked up some goreng pisang for mama & yeye.
Thaddeus & Sam were both at gardens, so was nice.
played with Hailey for a bit- she's walking so much now, n doesnt want to be carried.
she's making more sounds now - i think she was trying to say ball but it sounded more like 'buh'.
maybe in 3 wks she can say her first real word=p

am very amazed that your 8 year old brother has fb!...haha. sam & i watched half of "the boy in the striped pajamas". a very nice story about a german boy who meets a jewish boy during the holocaust. was a lil confused at first cos the audio was in english -brit english summore...
would have stayed to take thaddeus to the park - but it was already 5 ish n wanted to get home to help with dinner.felt bad cos he was bored n jus playing computer games=(
sam was picking rajan up so she dropped me at the amk ave 3 bus stop. car is very nice n smooth =)

hope to be able to talk to u longer tomw. am sorry i ruined the mood tonight.
that tomw's 1st feb doesnt make me feel any better. hence i said im feeling 'indifferent' about it.
though u'll be back in 23 days -feb will fly by, ul be gone again in a blink of an eye.

monday blues.

not having written reports, or anything academically related in over year makes me feel stupid-er.

4 wks til U get home. i still wonder how we survived 5 mths.

am having v bad gastric pains now.took antacid already but its not helping much.
am going to shower n sleep soon.hopefully can sleep it off

there was an article on iberian ham today in the papers - very interesting on how its prepared and stored.

i miss spain=(

i washed my bike!

woke up at 655am this morning...late!!
dunno if i even set my alarm - i recall being up at 5am n looking at my phone so i think i did set the alarm.

anyhows - met them at casuarina instead. it was TIRING today..
n hot.
didnt make it back in time to head to church, so washed bike before heading to gardens.

stopped at gardens to see if the hardware store was open - it wasnt.
daddy n thaddeus were at mummy's shop - so followed them up to mama's house.
hailey n jiejie were there - hailey can walk almost everywhere now, and she's making more noise.
very cute when the rubbish truck came n she made the 'scared' action n tried to say scared.
she understands when jiejie reads to her, but she's still just making sounds that sound like the word.
maybe in 4 wks she'll be able to talk =)

helped thaddeus do his chinese comprehension - v funny.. do U know what melt is in chinese?
i learnt that today !! haha

feeling quite hungry n dehydrated today.
am going to koon now.SLEEPINESS.

a perfect world

was supposed to ride at 6am today...then it became 630 by request of jinx last night..
then miss lim couldnt get up..so we met at casuarina at 7am eventually!!
did mandai-nus-wch-town-home...tired!
forgot the sunblock this morning =(

arm warmers, jersey n tights all felt looser today - its either i've lost weight or they've jus stretched in the wash.im hoping its the former!

while on the road - was just thinking of how nice it would be to have CONSIDERATE drivers - i.e. in a perfect world.
why i was thinking that? -
1. just as i was turning out of angklong lane- this stupid lorry in front turned out, narrowly missing these 2 ang moh cyclists going straight. uncle, stop line !!!
2. all 3 of us had encounters with impatient drivers who think they own the road today.
jinx was the first at the junction in front of 10 mile junction - where this idiot van driver on his right was so impatient. jinx + bike was jus 10 cm away from his van..he couldnt wait when the lights changed n just moved off , not caring he could hav hit jinx.
then further down , vania n i both had vehicles come too near us or try n overtake us without warning.

what else would there be in MY perfect world. lets see..

in my perfect world -i could follow u all over n not have a care in the world.

in my perfect world - we could have 4 kids n i wouldnt have to worry about losing my figure. yes okae that's one of the many reasons WHY im against 4. haha.

in my perfect world - if i continue i'll nv stop !

extremely tired. still must pump tyre n check rear brake n rim. SIGH.
g'nite! buenas noches mi amor

of durians, sio bak and traffic jams

i drove home again today.2nd night in a row=p. traffic was extremely horrid tonight.
CRAWLED along thomson road bcos a bus broke down at the junction jus infront of the singtel building, at the major cross junction at balestier - the turning to stevens road.

IF i was driving a manual car - i would have died. am so thankful for auto that i dont have to worry about so many things.

had 3 pieces of sio bak at dinner.tsktsk
in addition - mao shan wang ice cream for dessert.
takes almost like the real thing, but nothing can replace the real creamy smooth flesh of a nice yummy cholesterol rich durian.

yah i noe ur not going to kiss me cos i will burp durian.=p

SLEEPY. was watching a nat geo documentary titled taboo -
1st part featured a leper colony in Nepal,
2nd part about a group of ppl called the Freegans ( i think tts how u spell ) - who scavenge for food that's still edible but ppl throw it out
3rd part abt a grp of ppl in india - ratcatchers. they eat rats too =p the 'untouchables'

going to shower n sleep now.
buenas noches mi amor

Down through the years our memories will keep a loving place

For friendships made & pleasures shared.....

it was really nice to spend some quality time with the girls again - popiah party at Joy's place with Val, Kwa, Zanet & Mel.

went shopping with Joy first in town - she introduced me to a really nice dress shop in Far East , bought her a bag, n then headed back to her place to chill for awhile.
we walked around the new jazzed up sunset way, but first paid a stop to the balmoral bakery.
nice old school style cakes - but didnt see any coconut buns. maybe they sold out already.
most of the perimeter of sunset way's been converted into restaurants - a couple of interesting ones. a nice chill out place.
headed to cold storage to get drinks and some essentials - a pity that Daily Scoop was closed- electrical fire. =p

the popiah n pie tee was yummy as usual. thanks aunty!!
it was really nice to reminisce over mg days again - the funny things that happened in class & all the lil petty disagreements, who didn't like who- or who did what.

a lil sad that the next time we'll see Joy again will be 11 months from now - but at least she's coming home for christmas !
so christmas 2010 will be dinner at joy's place again - partners expected to turn up this time. n a challenge has been issued to Mel & Zanet - according to Joy- they have 11 month's notice to rustle up a non-psuedo partner =)
won't be seeing Val for sometime - but the next time we meet she'll be Dr Ho =)
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i'm sorry for keeping U up late. i do understand. just really needed to be held really badly tonight.

quizas,quizas

maybe im jus barking up the wrong tree...

Day 6/48

Te necesito mucho

¿Puedo tener un hombro para llorar?

alguien uso

Day 5/48

my new fridge has arrived!
for once there is nothing in either fridge!!

*sniff* hav to say goodbye to the side by side fridge cos my parents couldnt find a small enough one that fit into the space!


so we're now going back to the conventional freezer on top design. hopefully it means we'll store less stuff !

store too many things in ur fridge, when it goes kaput on u - ul hav a hard time trying to keep all ur food cold. we've been trying to finish up all the perishables over the weekend.
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had dinner at Saizeriya @ Liang court with the Ride From The Heart boys...
taran n cass didn show=( and the guys hammered the food as usual.
not too bad for the price. about 20 per pax just nice for the quantity we ordered.

took bus home with mr tan - n he gave me a couple of ideas.
to look for internship/short term job oppt in france =) am going to start searching tmw
for now its off to bed =)

buenas noches!

Singaporean Dream vs. Singaporean Plan

an excerpt from a really interesting read that i chanced upon via facebook.thanks claressa for tagging =)

"It is the Plan, which imposes a conclusion on you, and you work in order to make all the pieces fit. A bus stop advertisement I saw recently said it best: “We spend all our youth chasing money, and when we attain it, we spend all our money chasing youth.”

A Dream, on the other hand, carries you on its wings to worlds that your heart and mind have never known."

a response from one of stella's friends to the fb note aptly sums up the fear preventing alot of us from going after the Singapore Dream - "the thing is, when you get yourself out of the Singaporean Plan, you stand alone with no one around you and no one to guide you. what then??"

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read the full article at http://www.colingoh.com/paved_with_good_intentions.htm

The following essay was written for Singaporeans Exposed: Navigating the Ins and Outs of Globalisation (published to commemorate the 10th Anniversary of the Singapore International Foundation, 2001, Landmark Books)

PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS:
How living in New York has illuminated for us the difference between the Singaporean Dream and the Singaporean Plan
By Colin Goh & Joyceln Woo Yen Yen

Former lawyer turned writer/cartoonist Colin Goh and educator Joyceln Woo are married and have been living in New York for the past three years.

COLIN & JOYCELN: We fell in love and in June 1998, we got married - true Singaporean style. The studio photography, the clothes, church, the dinner and the hundred of guests that we had never met before. What happened to us after that was not so typically Singaporean. Here are our stories.

JOYCELN: As a child, I could never sleep the night before the first day of school. The night before my first day of teaching was no different. I didn’t know what to expect but I knew that I was going to help kids learn, be the best teacher, and make a difference.

At my first staff meeting, the principal screened an image familiar to all new schoolteachers - the Prism. Like a magical crystal ball, the Prism told many things. It could predict how well students entering secondary school with 4 subjects at PSLE would do for the ‘O’ levels. With the Prism, we could evaluate each student’s potential grade in literature based on his/her PSLE grades and then tell if our school had “added value” to the child’s education.

Looking into the Prism, the principal announced that while she was concerned about the various aspects of development - Intellectual, Aesthetic, Moral, and Physical - “This year, our school will focus on the Intellectual.” By this, she meant that as teachers, we should all ensure that we stretched the potential of the students so that they performed “better than expected” at the ‘O’ levels. I noticed in the subsequent years that we never decided to focus on any other aspect of development. There was never an Aesthetic, Moral or Physical year.

The conversations in the staff room educated me considerably about the concerns of teachers.

“Oh, I heard you bought the new condo in Bukit Batok, that’s a good investment…”

“So which piano school are you sending your child to now?”

“Do you want to go buy diamonds with us, we are going to buy diamonds this afternoon.”

In my naïveté, this came as a shock. Why weren’t teachers talking about helping students learn or improving instruction?

And when they WERE talking about improving instruction, it was invariably:

“So what questions do you think will come out for this year’s ‘O’ levels?”

“Yes! Yes! I spotted the right questions!”

“You have to make sure your students write 5 ‘compositions’ and do 5 ‘comprehensions’ this semester.”

And when questions were asked, the answer was inevitably “Can’t change. That’s what the principal wants to see.”

The culture in the staff room was a mix of different groups:

· the Tai-Tais, women who had married well-off husbands, and who admired, respected and competed with each other for their Ferragamo shoes and Louis Vuitton bags.

· the few unmarried men who were mothered by the Tai-Tais as they were regarded as “good” men (i.e. hardworking and honest) but ironically insufficiently compelling marriage material (for why on earth would a functioning, virile, desirable man become a teacher?).

· the married men who usually lived in HDB flats (unlike the Tai-Tais and their non-teacher husbands), who generally kept to themselves.

· the older single women who were diligent in ensuring that all forms are handed in on time and helping students who need extra help get the preferred grades. They were usually more conservatively (and cheaply) dressed, and did not generally interact socially with the Tai-Tais.

· the expatriate teachers who were generally avoided by the other teachers and not expected to do very much because they either could not be trusted to do the work, were too difficult to communicate with, or were too troublesome to work with. And when they got together, they made plain their disdain for Singapore and its school system of which they were a part. Stereotypical as it may sound, those I’d met had invariably come to Singapore either to heal from a broken marriage (in which case, getting involved with a local woman usually came with the package), or had fled an unsuccessful career so they could return home and say, “I spent a few years in the Orient.”

· And the young teachers, bright-eyed and bushytailed, who believed they could make a difference, and who usually started out immensely popular with the students. They organized extra activities which they were not required to do, sat with students for long hours when they had problems, and generally tried to innovate with teaching. The Tai-Tais usually tried to matchmake the young single female teachers with single men they knew, but never the single male teachers. Seasoned teachers generally sat back and placed bets on when the neophytes would eventually burn out.

I didn’t know a single lazy teacher - everyone was extremely hardworking, taking work home, often physically running around as they hurried to different parts of the school. The teachers hardly had time to rest and reflect. It was as if we had been trained to work hard, but not to think.

What unites Secondary 4 teachers is the common goal of ensuring their students score well in the ‘O’ levels - preferably better in the subject that they teach rather than in another subject. Success is defined largely in terms of how many As produced in their class.

I remember one year distinctly - the school had done well in history and the Sec 4 history teacher was jumping up and down in glee, like she had won a war. On the other hand, the students hadn’t done as well in literature and the teacher was walking around with her head down, wishing that the bulletin board with the results didn’t place the teacher’s name next to the results of each class. While everyone congratulated the history teacher on doing well in spotting the right questions, we all didn’t know what to say to the literature teacher. We sort of patted her shoulder as if someone had died.

And for non-Sec 4 teachers, our overriding concern was assigning the required number of tests and exercises and grading them. Each semester, all our students had to submit binders containing their completed and graded assignments. And each semester, the teachers would spend several days of class time ensuring that the students had everything in place, as the submission of completed binders were a factor in a teacher’s evaluation. The binders would disappear for months because it would take the Head of Department that long to go through the binders and count how many assignments had been completed. It didn’t seem to matter if the teacher had taken 5 minutes to grade each composition or 30 minutes to make sure that the students received meaningful feedback. What was important was that the assignments were there.

I felt both angry and guilty that my idealism constantly came up against so many artificial obstacles. I felt that the obsession with bookkeeping and papering over any mistakes, real or perceived, allowed neither time nor space for innovation. Further, the mania to deliver standardized results trumped the notion of harnessing individual potential, of the teachers and the students.
Worse, I felt I could not raise these issues. There was a culture of silence.

My experiences are not about bad principals or teachers in particular. It is about ways of being and seeing that represent to me, the Singapore legacy that I have inherited. The principals and teachers that I talked about are not to blame individually - it is just so difficult to be and to see otherwise in the busy-ness, routines, and duties of our everyday lives.

I decided to leave to pursue graduate studies. Teacher education in Singapore is tilted more to the vocational than the intellectual and I wanted the space, time and knowledge to help me articulate and frame what I was thinking and feeling. On a more pragmatic level, I knew that nobody took the feelings of groundling teachers seriously and that people would probably listen to me more if I had a doctorate. I was disappointed, but still hopeful.

COLIN: I remember my first visit to New York. I had just graduated in law from University College London, and had several months before I was scheduled to take the English bar exams. Where most of my friends had chosen to do attachments with Singaporean law firms with the prudent aim of acclimatizing themselves with the career-to-come, I was paralysed with a single, terrible thought: “These are the last few months I’ll ever have to indulge my youthful passions.”

In an impulsive moment, and much to my parents’ annoyance, I blew every last cent I had and wangled myself a place in a cartooning course at Manhattan’s School of Visual Art. I had been cartooning for The New Paper for several years by then (my comic strip The Concrete Jungle continues to run in their august pages), but had no formal training.

I chose Manhattan because it was supposed to be the cynosure of the creative world, and most important of all, where Marvel and DC Comics had their headquarters. Where else would one study cartooning but in Spiderman’s territory?

Those few months were the most mind-blowing of my life. By day, I was either sequestered in a musty studio sketching Brazilian women or wandering the varied New York neighbourhoods. By night, I hung out with the other residents of the international hostel I was staying at - a diverse crowd of students from Argentina to Kazakhstan and everywhere in between. I had always thought Singapore to be a model of diversity and cosmopolitan progress, but over countless milkshake-fueled discussions in East Village hangouts, I felt like the proverbial mountain tortoise.

It was also the first time I began to question the path I was about to take. I was meeting people who were taking chances and simply following the dictates of their passion, whether it was art, dance or securities.

I had studied law largely because it was often cited it as the next best thing after medicine, which I knew I’d be awful at. Besides, SM Lee was a lawyer. What better endorsement could a Singaporean have? Despite being a published cartoonist and writer by then, I never thought about a career in the arts. It was a completely nonexistent option.

What was worse was that my parents never forced me into law. I just read their minds, I guess. Besides, all my friends seemed to be doing it too. It was the Singaporean Dream.

I also remember in my first year in law school, my parents telling me about SM Lee’s now seminal “If I were an undergraduate” speech, where he told JC students that were he a student now, he would not study law; he would be an engineer, join the civil service, then obtain an MBA and thereafter enter the private sector. SM Lee had switched from Coke to Pepsi. There was a New Dream.

For a moment, I thought, well, if I’m yesterday’s man, I might as well deviate from the path altogether. However, that year, the Singapore government decided it had too many lawyers and restricted the number of recognized overseas law schools. A rumour began spreading amongst the legal undergrad community that it wouldn’t be long before they didn’t recognize British qualifications altogether. We had to hurry and enter the Singapore workforce as soon as possible, before we were shut out. (As we now know, the rumour was unfounded, and Singapore now admits it needs more lawyers.)

Nevertheless, out of prudence, I shelved any thought of changing fields and became a barrister, then an advocate and solicitor of the Supreme Court of Singapore.

I joined a large law firm, again largely because it was commonly believed that it was good to bloody oneself in the trenches of the giants. I practiced shipping law, again an extremely prudent choice, what with our being the world’s busiest port. Further, it was perceived as exciting because shipping lawyers often had to go out to sea to arrest ships. (In truth, arresting ships is not vastly different from what loansharks do when they hang pig’s heads on debtors’ doors.)

I had a decent, almost enviable, income. I had to keep telling myself that, because the lifestyle was neither decent nor enviable.
Clients called me at 2 am in the morning. The High Court Registry nicknamed me “Mr. 5 O’Clock” because I regularly filed papers right under the guillotine, never of my own volition. My only pleasure was catching up on industry gossip while waiting in line to argue before the court registrars. There was not a single Chinese New Year holiday where I would not find myself in the office. My parents only caught fleeting glimpses of me early in the morning when I rushed to work, or late at night, when I stumbled in, surly and mentally exhausted. I saw Joyceln, then simply my girlfriend, for a few precious, stolen hours on Sundays.

But I had the job, and more important, the income. They brought me a measure of social acceptability. Parents’ friends would nod approvingly, non-lawyer friends would remark how much lower their salaries were. I made enough to afford membership in a club I never had time to step into, and for season parking in town. I had credit cards and designer ties. I could share war stories about work that might have seemed glamourous to non-lawyer friends, weaned as they were on a diet of Ally McBeal. I was in the secure embrace of the Singaporean Dream.

My epiphany came as I was descending the gangway of a very large oil tanker. At a height of ten storeys or more, the gangway abruptly slipped its moorings and fell several feet. I found myself in mid air for several terrifying seconds. Luckily the crew managed to secure it again. As I retrieved my dropped manhood, I saw bits of the vessel fall into the sea below. If I had not held tight to the chains, I would be dead.

When I told my colleagues about it, no one batted an eyelid. It was simply one of the hazards of the job, like the long hours and the symbolic fellating of clients. Some even quipped, “Who says law isn’t exciting?” But working late that night in the stale air of my office, surrounded by musty documents and lit by the sickly iridescence of my computer monitor, I knew I had to get out.
My brush with death made me reflect on my life, as I suppose all encounters with the reaper must do. I realized I was unhappy. Not weeping-and-gnashing-of-teeth unhappy, just that dull ache of uninspiration. Yet, on paper, I should have been completely content.

My conviction was reinforced when I passed my boss’s office and saw her toiling away. Much more senior, she was still keeping the crazy hours of a junior lawyer. She had a brilliant mind, equity in a giant and prestigious firm and a sizeable income, but I realized that I didn’t aspire to her lifestyle. And she was by no means unique. If I did not aspire to be my boss, then what was the point? My life stretched before my eyes, and I did not want to take another step in its direction.

I then made a classic Singaporean evaluation: if I’m going to suffer, then by god, I’ll suffer for more money. I figured American lawyers make the most money, so that’s where I’ll go. I decided the fastest way to do this would be to do a one year Master’s degree, preferably in an Ivy League university, since it would provide me ingress into the American market.

I spoke to Joyceln, and told her that the only place I wanted to go was New York, because I wanted to recapture a little of that energy I had felt years ago. Despite some reservations (New York has a not wholly undeserved reputation), we both applied to Columbia University, New York’s only Ivy League university. Miraculously, we were both accepted.

We quit our jobs, got married, emptied our bank accounts and left immediately.

JOYCELN: When applying to do my doctorate at Columbia’s famous Teachers College, I spoke to several professors at the only education institution in Singapore to find out about possible financial support. I had intended to study curriculum and technology, and felt my experience teaching as well as a stint designing educational software in an IT firm would be valuable.

However, the door was abruptly slammed in my face when I was told over the phone, “If you are not in computer science, and not a first class graduate, there is nothing we need to talk about.”

Perhaps spurred by anger, I worked like a demon at Teachers College and earned several academic awards, including a doctoral research fellowship which covered both tuition and a stipend, and came unencumbered by any bond, moral or otherwise. The myopia with which I had been treated had ironically turned out to be a blessing.

I even met with our Education Minister when he visited Teachers College. Of the questions he asked me, two stood out: “When are you going back to Singapore?” and “When are you going to have babies?” It hit me that I had never spoken to the Minister when I was teaching in Singapore. I wondered: am I valuable to the country only after I leave?

COLIN: Armed with a Masters from Columbia Law School and the grandiose title of “Harlan Fiske Stone Scholar” which Columbia had over-generously bestowed upon me, and having passed the New York bar exams, I knocked on the doors of some of the largest law firms in the world.

I recall one battery of interviews being carried out in a large hotel, where prospective lawyers would shuttle in and out of the rooms, each occupied by interviewers from the firms.

A fellow prospector asked me, “Which other profession requires you to shuttle from hotel room to hotel room?”

“Prostitution,” I remarked, and we both laughed.

It proved a prophetic statement, for when touring the offices of prospective firms, instead of feeling pumped, I felt horrified by the all-too familiar office layout, the mounds of paper spilling onto the floor, the designer suits thrown over the backs of chairs.
The last straw came when a partner of one Midtown firm patted me on the back and said, “I think you’d be perfect to help work on our port project out in Saudi Arabia!”

It suddenly hit me that I was not embarking on real change at all. I was merely rearranging the furniture. Like a good little boy, I had made all the pragmatic, sensible decisions… and it was about to push me into the abyss. I was still trying to achieve the Singaporean Dream, except overseas, and on a larger scale. Well, not exactly…

It was then that I understood the difference between the Singaporean Dream and the Singaporean Plan. And what is the difference?
I suppose the Dream has to be one of searching for peace and the liberty to conduct one’s life as one sees fit.

That’s probably what my ancestors sought when they left China: the governments of the Ming and Manchu were ruthlessly restrictive of cross-border commerce, the lifeblood of my ethnic Hokkien and Teochew forbears.

And no doubt it was the Dream, fueled by hard work and courage, that has made Singapore the indisputable commercial success it is today. And our story is a wonderful one: the Little Island That Could.

However, invariably once people attain success, they start to canonize the steps they took to achievement. This is how Dreams become Plans, and how one hegemony replaces another: the search for peace and liberty becomes get into a good school, then a good university, then a stable job, then buy property and stock. The problem is, then what?

There is nothing inherently unique about the Singaporean Dream. The American Dream of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is substantially the same. (And especially in the upper middle class, the American Dream is fast becoming a Plan too: prep school, Ivy League, Wall Street.)

But what to me gives America more hope is that they still celebrate mavericks; they may never find happiness, but their liberty to pursue it is sacred.

My experience in Singapore was, however, very different. There were always people telling you what and how you should do things, and imposing penalties for deviation. There were ‘right’ schools, ‘right’ professions, ‘right’ strategies.

Of course there are those who would argue that ultimately, the choice is one’s own and that there is nothing to prevent one from doing what he or she wants in Singapore. After all, isn’t it one’s fault for caving in to peer pressure? I would humbly submit that while theoretically true, such an argument betrays an ignorance of the combined workings of hegemony and power.

The issue is how expansive the reigning ideology is. In Singapore, the dominant view is to do whatever works (whatever that may be, and regardless of who it worked for). In New York (I won’t pretend that America is homogeneous), the prevailing view is that everyone should find what makes him or herself unique, and capitalize on that.

Manhattan is smaller than Singapore, yet there is space for both Wall Street Wizards and Alphabet City Shamans to coexist. Despite occasional border skirmishes, there is recognition that the city would be a lot poorer if everyone marched to the same drum.
An overly romantic myth? Perhaps. But that such a myth could persist in a hostile and cynical environment like New York, was encouraging to me. And anyway, the ‘fulfillment’ promised by the Singapore Plan was equally illusory. In a competition of myths, I chose the one that gave the most latitude to one’s passions over the one that indulged one’s fears.

JOYCELN: I think the most striking thing about New York is that so many people here are in transition. They don’t know where they are going to be or what they are going to be doing in 6 months’ time. But they are all working towards their individual dreams, in their own individual way, and not according to some mandated blueprint or destination.

The receptionist in my building is also an actor. I recently met a waitress who was a graduate student in philosophy. I have classmates who are not only still at work, but who also shoot films whenever they can.

Until New York, I didn’t know I could be poor and still volunteer to help others who are more needy than me - not tomorrow, or next year, or when my income reaches a certain level, but today.

I now tutor the children in my neighborhood who need help but can’t afford to pay. I didn’t know how great it feels to be able to write, and express my anger, worries, and joys. I didn’t know that if I am dissatisfied by policies, I can get together with others to express it.

Just last week, there was a public school that was boycotting a state-mandated test because the test was taking away precious instructional time. What a novel idea! I didn’t know I was not alone, that there are other Singaporeans who think like I do, who want to make a difference but who are afraid and are so used to being silent.

COLIN: The insidiousness is this: in adhering to the Singaporean Plan, I was acting pragmatically, but ultimately, dishonestly.

As late as the interlude between pupilage and practice, I had written a play that was performed for the Singapore Arts Festival Fringe, for which the British Council had sponsored me to attend the Royal Court Theatre in London’s prestigious theatre school. Further, throughout my years of practice, I also managed to continue cartooning The Concrete Jungle. While I enjoyed writing and drawing, never for a second did I think this might be a career. Worse, I felt compelled to downgrade their importance in my life. First was money, then pleasure. It was simply un-Singaporean to think one could get pleasure without money, or that working should be pleasurable.

But now I refuse to postpone my dreams any further, and shelve them under some misguided notion of pragmatism. How often was I told as a child by my elders, “wait till you grow up,” “wait till after exams”, “wait till after you graduate”. I do not desire to wait until I retire. I might not make it that far. I refuse to be a walking mid-life crisis in the making.

But living one’s dreams is difficult because it is a lone undertaking. There is no such thing as shared dreams; they are personal creatures. And while my peers are making partner and buying cars, I live in rented student accommodation and scatter my work to the ocean of publications, hoping for a bite. Thus far, I have only been published a couple of times, far from being enough to pay the rent. Yet I do not feel despair. Trite as it may sound, I recognize that life is about the journey, and not the destination.

JOYCELN: In Singapore, a considerable amount of talk in education has been about continuing to be competitive in the global marketplace. Singapore seems to have done well in this respect - we have consistently come in first in the International Math and Science Study.

But in tandem with the fear of losing out on notional global competitiveness is the willingness of many educators, policy-makers, and parents to “train” the young to delay their dreams, desires and play for a future goal, to “wait till after you finish your homework,” to “wait till after the exams” while at the same time plying them with material bribes.

On the global front, it is ironic that the US is trying to emphasize academic standards while Japan, who also finished in the top ranks of the International Math and Science Study, is trying to cut down on the curriculum to allow more time for play. Both cite global competitiveness as their reason for doing so. One wonders as a country, whether we are listening to the everyday experiences of our own children, parents and teachers, or simply responding to some speculative construction of what is needed to be competitive.

Can anyone say for sure what’s needed? Only a few months ago, countries cried out for schools to produce more dotcommers. A look at the rollercoaster line that is the NASDAQ should be cause for circumspection.

There are signs that children in Singapore are straining under this ethos. Recent newspapers reports have reported that parents are spending an inordinate amount of money and time to send their children for after-school tuition so that they can achieve better results; scoring high marks in tests and exams have been found to be a top concern for students; the average 10 year-old has been found to spend 6 hours in school and up to 8 hours on homework and tuition each day, and, students have been reported to experience physical reactions such as diarrhoea and asthma attacks during or just before exams. Is this education, or child labor? Has scoring well in tests become the reason for tests themselves? How do teachers, parents, and teachers begin to imagine our lives differently?

COLIN: I think it is important not to wholly discredit the Singapore Plan. It worked for some and may yet work for others. However, it is also true that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and that it is always an error to confuse what is with what ought to be.

JOYCELN: Consider these 2 stories. Which is closer to yours?

You wake up everyday and work from Monday to Friday, and often, Saturday too. If you finish work early, you and your partner go to your parents’ place for dinner and see your child for a few hours. If you work late, you buy a packet of char kway teow from the hawker centre but eat it at home because it’s too warm to eat there. You’re not crazy about the job but you know that if you keep at it, you can afford a car in 3 years’ time, and in 5 years’ time, buy a condo close to the primary school you want to send your kid to. Your conversations with people are either for the purpose of networking, work, or for familial obligations you cannot avoid. On weekends, you play golf with your friends at your country club or watch a movie with your partner. Once a year, you go on a ten day vacation to New York, London, or Paris, and when your children are big enough, Disneyland.

Alternatively, you wake up and you have no idea what is going to happen today, tomorrow, 6 months or a year later. Ironically, because of this uncertainty, all possibilities exist for you. You can be the Prime Minister of Singapore, you can make a movie, you can cook a meal you have never cooked before, eat at a place you have never eaten before, you can color your hair red, you can skip instead of walk, you can volunteer at the school you have always wanted to volunteer at, you can write a book, or you can have a baby even though you don’t have a maid. You have conversations with people who set your heart palpitating and your mind on fire. Your weekday is not so different from your weekend because everyday you are thinking, creating, and more important, imagining.

Most of us recognize the first story and its pursuit of the 5 Cs of “cash, condo, car, country club, credit card.” It is the Plan, which imposes a conclusion on you, and you work in order to make all the pieces fit. A bus stop advertisement I saw recently said it best: “We spend all our youth chasing money, and when we attain it, we spend all our money chasing youth.”

A Dream, on the other hand, carries you on its wings to worlds that your heart and mind have never known.

COLIN: My fault was accepting that the Plan would naturally work for me. One doesn’t have to accept a legacy one inherits. I was complicit in my unhappiness. I did not question enough, whether it was my elders, the government, newspapers, consultants, whatever. I foolishly let others make up my mind for me. I rather fear I am not alone in this folly.

If there is any blame to be laid, it is the upholding of a compliant, unquestioning culture; that some people should never be challenged because of age, status or whatever. It is not solely the establishment’s fault; all political parties are entitled to play politics. But it is wholly our fault for not fighting for what we believe in.

COLIN & JOYCELN: Criticism and disagreement is not treason, and our words emanate as much from our dissatisfaction with, as our love for Singapore. We simply believe that we are more than our legacy. This is the dream of immigrants everywhere, whether they arrive in Singapore or on Ellis Island.

Postscript from Colin & Yen: Well, that was written yonks ago, and things have definitely changed, even if our beliefs haven’t. We hope to write an update to “Paved” soon, detailing how we went about trying to make our dreams work for us. So please check back often!

Day 4/48

Whee!

I took a risk this morning, by disobeying the other half and going out on cleats with little prior practice. They promised me the 'shorter route' but ended up going to NeoTiew anyways!
nevertheless, i made it out unscathed, a few scary moments but =) no falling, just not going fast enough cos scared scared.

Thankew everyone for waiting, especially the 5am esso bunch (sans Mr Tan aka 1-ton) for waiting for me although i was crawling along, & reminding me at the traffic lights =)

As we took the longer route, only managed to reach home at 1045am, had to cab to church to get there on time. Thankfully, there was still 2 songs left in worship by the time i reached. Pastor Reuben Ng preached today - on"Time is of the Essence".

He started the sermon with an emphasis on time & how we use it. basically 3 points : 1)intentional 2)intelligent 3) wise use of time.
A timely reminder that our time here on earth is temporal, and that our existence is not just to be part of this world, but to be with God in His eternal kingdom.

Hence begets the question of what is eternal life - according to John 17:3 - it is to "know God".
As in any relationship - to know someone , u have to spend time with the someone.
Thus the cost of our Discipleship in Christ is our time - how we spend time with God.
spending time with God is not equal to doing things for Him !

He told a funny joke about creation that goes something like this:
After God had created Adam and made him guardian over the creatures of the earth, He decided to give Adam a helper/mate.
G: Adam, I'm going to give you a helpmate, a wife.
A: What's that?
G: A wife is someone who cares for you, cooks cleans and washes all your clothes (God had foresight), doesn't nag at you, doesnt yell at you, is always patient and understanding...(i forget what else)
A: What would that cost me?
G: Well, an arm and a leg.
A: Wah, what can I get for a rib ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Headed to Gardens after church just to say hi. Daddy was working on some machine parts, as usual Fabian and Thaddeus were playing Grand Theft Auto. Ate some rice , otah and te bak that Mama cooked. She went out to play Mahjong again. Sam wasnt home.
Went to see Mummy & did my nails - quite a walkin customers came in so felt a bit bad that i gave her extra work. kena scolding about my nails - must wear less closed shoes or il continue damaging my nails she says. told her to go see Gino, but i think she's a lil sceptical about physios now.

sun was nice and hot - the way you like it. ended up cabbing home so i could skype u.

Parents came home about 6 plus. was vvv hungry by that time.
dinner: 1 sausage roll , 2 slices of pizza & lots of veg for dinner
breakfast: 1 milo b4 ride, 1 peanut butter bread after ride
lunch: rice, otah ,fish te bak
snack: 1 apple, 1 orange
post dinner snack: 1 kiwi, 3 raisin cookies.

drove back to gardens to get the trainers at about 8pm - mummy came with me.
parked behind Daddy's van but very far out =p, didnt feel confident doing a 3 pt turn out, so drove down to the bottom of the hill and came out through Crowhurst =p

on the way home met a really impatient Lexus SUV - i slowed to let a car cut in front of me, n he tries to cut me from the right. at the V last moment - if i was 1 s faster i would have hit him.gAH
reminds me of u when ur in a rush or when ur angry tho. i am the kind of driver u love to hate...so be a lil nicer to women drivers on the road?

now understand how much it takes to drive when ur tired - nursing a headache to and fro ...

am going to koon now - cannot tahan anymore..
Buenas noches y dolce sueno
bonne nuit i bon reve

te queiro para siempre mi amor

Day 3/48

I set my alarm for 6 this morning, intending to go to the carpark n practice - but simply couldnt drag myself out of bed.
finally (after snoozing the alarm countless times), got up at 740am.

was too late to do northern route at mac, so decided to take the canal route as usual .boring!
sucks that so much of bishan park is under construction - so u have to run along the road to get into and out of the park.

feeling v full from dinner & a lil tired to go out n practice. will just get up earlier tmw n practice b4 i go out n ride. supposed to go out on a loop with david but he's not back from church yet.will see if its too late later.

missing u amor,so very much

Day 2/48

exhausted...

yay.u saw cadel=)that's so cool!figured.haha ur someone special dint take much to figure out.

fridge motor broke down today.so all the perishables are now in the mgt office fridge.

had to go to the loo b4 i caught the bus home- n guess what - there was no water on L2.toilet couldnt flush.i soaped my hands & couldnt wash it off=(

sold the frame already.yay=)

am off to koon.buay tahan liao.

Day 1/48

woke up this morning to a thunderstorm.overslept by about 1h15mins. could have gotten another 30 mins of gym time. oh well. Thank God that I was able to rest a lil more.

busy day, but managed to leave on time to meet Val at the mrt at 715.
got off the bus too early opp NJC so we had to walk quite far to meet kwa at the bus stop.
bought gelato from greenwood- rockmelon, mango, hazelnut & strawberry. nothing very spectacular though.
drove 1 big round to get back to mel's place- not knowing that we could cut through greenwood (next time must ask the parents first!)

was really nice to see everyone again after so long, & its amazing how even after so long the memories of pri school days come so readily.
joy - i dont understand how u can remember the "birds committing suicide" comment.

nice pie tee and satay- thankew Mel =)

felt a lil sad that i had to leave at 11pm, but was really fighting the zzz monster already.

Pietrasanta

Hidden away in Portsdown Road is a lil gem known as Pietra Santa.
(thanks Dan for recommending!)

Its quite amazing how the entire Portsdown Rd area has evolved since AC days, a mere 5 years ago.
I would get lost on the road into Portsdown now ! it used to be a straight road all the way in, now there's Fusionopolis and so many junctions that I had to blink to make sure we didnt take a wrong turn.

The whole area's been redeveloped as Wessex Estate, another Rochester or Dempsey, but its got a less crowded feel to it.
Colbar's still there =)

Pietrasanta's housed in the old Judo federation building, its quite amazing how the place has been transformed into such a lovely restaurant.

Arrived late- cos Tim & Calvin got back from the Tampines trail late =p
(an epic drive from Serangoon to Portsdown- Pls do not ever drive like that again!)
the appetizers were just amazing - the buffalla that melts in your mouth , such a rich milky taste. the yummy bread and balsamic vinegar. n the simply succulent tomatoes 'fresh from italy' sorry no pics !!

The Steak
The main reason we were at Pietrasanta was to try the 1kg steak - which Dan had talked about n got Tim dreaming about it for weeks.
It definitely didnt disappoint !
Plus we got to take home the huge T-bones too=)Cooper was happy too!


Dessert
The Tiramisu - was TO DIE FOR. the best we've ever tried. the mascarpone cheese was just the right consistency, and the coffee & liquer was not too sweet, not too heavy.
beat's Pete's place hands down anytime.
time to make Tiramisu again=) when ur home




La Tarta de Pinocchi
The tart was calling out to me the moment i stepped in the door - n it was as yummy as it looked!





the xocolata blanco version was a tad too sweet for my liking - a lil like orange chocolate.







but overall,a great meal, with amazing company.bliss=)

Day 0/48

i learnt a few things today.Thank you God for the lessons, better late than never.

1. always check his to-do-list before hand..so u'll know what u should chase him to do in advance & not 4 hours before ur supposed to be at the airport
   
2. Toyota Wish 4 seater can take 2 passengers + bike box
3. If your taxi doesnt come on time- ask for a replacement immediately. don't trust the driver when he says he can reach by 715pm
4. Dont rely on Maxicab alone - there's also

• Prime Taxis - MPVs 6778 0808
• Smart Automobile (VW Touran) 6485 7777
• SMRT Taxis -(London Cab+Space MPV) 6555 8888
• Yellow Top Toyota Hilux 6293 5545/6/7